It aint necessarily so...

Isn't it funny how we're all connected? My freshman year of college was full of loneliness, pain, disapointment, and depression. It was also full of new-gained strength and growth, but considering everyone had filled me with false hopes about what my college experience, I felt deserted and inadequate when reality hit. When I finally emerged from my Gollom-like state, I realized that many others had had similar experiences. Pretty much everyone I had known had a miserable first year and felt lonely and cheated. Not that I want everyone to join my misery, but I felt a sense of comradery knowing we were going through the same thing. Now, I am reading posts from lots of different people in my life, generally in my age bracket, and discovering they're going through the hardest times of their life- just like me. Christy, Alisa, Lauren... some of the language they use cuts me to the core because I can almost feel their pain. The difference is that I, with everything in my life, ran from my pain. I ran to the easy, in hope of a solution. I felt in my heart beyond any and all description a pure, yet agonizingly true path, yet I ran the other way. I could not face life in the midst of this terrible reality, it was too cruel, too harsh. It not only tore me apart but the people who had loved me the best. I could not, I would not live that life.

So I ran. I ran away, blocked off the pain, went on with life. Little ripples would open me up (thank heavens for meds, that cognitive dissonance shit is no bueno) and send me hurtling into the agonizing abyss. I lost, I compartmentalized, I clung, I lied, I ignored, I ran one direction then the next. Then came my brother Nathan's wedding. I started crashing, realizing that I could not stay in a relationship with Shelly, and knowing that breaking up with kill both of us. I tried to fight, but the guilt attacks came on hard and relentless. After a week of no sleep and constant guilt, I knew we had to end it.

But that didn't fix everything.

The days leading up to the wedding were awful, and I dreaded the hours I would spend on the Oakland Temple grounds, knowing that weddings and temples were big triggers for me from past experience. I tried to breathe, to calm myself, to mentally prepare by thinking how happy I would be to return to a place I had loved so much growing up, where my parents had been married. But the problem was that I had unresolved emotions, expectations, and questions, and deep down, a part of me knew that this wedding would be hell for me.

(Side note: I didn't want it to be so. My brother Nathan and I have always had a special relationship. He is so dear, so tender, and we have a lot in common. I am closer to him than any of my siblings (okay, so I only have three total, but still). I still relish our close friendship before his mission and try to stay in touch with him now. I am so grateful that he found Teri! It just tickles me pink for him to have found such an amazing person in his life! I want so much for him to be happy, and Teri absolutely adores everything about him and will help him through any struggle! I am so grateful for her in the family!!!)

So I digress. When I arrived at the temple grounds, I was all right at first, exploring again the fountains and beautiful gardens. I marveled at how beautiful these grounds were, remembering my dissapointment at seeing the Mout Timpanogus grounds. Then I heard the music, fell into missing the church and feeling guilty for being "unclean" etc. Then I felt feeling like the church was true... ringing in my head over and over and over again. It was like a knife plunging into my heart with all the memories, truths, and emotions that make you cringe the most. Everything I couldn't deal with came bubbling to the surface, and I had spent an entire week not sleeping and barely surviving. Basically, I was out of ammo, I had no mental reserves to help me deal. I was drowning again. I began thinking, "where will I get married? What will I teach my children? What will happen when I die... and I find out I taught them the wrong thing? Oh, what could be worse than that? Knowing I led them astray? What agony will God unleash on me!" I imagined my family, in their temple garb, turning their backs on me, dissapointment and pity in their faces, as they entered the pearly gates, and I took my cowardly leave in hell. I knew I wasn't strong enough to go back, even though I felt it was true. I tried to rely on the questions and problems that I felt invalidated mormonism, but they fell against the intensity of emotions.



Anyway, finish another time... damn, I meant to talk about now. Not the past. Anyway, love you all. It's been very helpful.

Call out the dogs and let them have a sniff...

I think I am most afraid of loving other people. When you love someone, you are obligated to them, which I am happy to do, but when I filled with love I am also filled with guilt and terror of hurting them. Part of me would much rather live with people I cared about but did not love, while doing good to the people I did love on the side because that way I wouldn't have to live with this pain.

I have allegiance to the good in this world- the free, the love. I don't like looking inside myself... I mean, let me rephrase. For me, the good tends to live within my head constantly. In my heart are the things that hurt, the things I don't supress per se (suppressing things is BAD. It will bite you in the ass, and it will hurt) but I don't base my life around them either. I believe in harmony, you see. I don't think ANY life, structure, person, etc should be based around one thing (well... unless you are a genius or invaluable to a movement in which case... go for it)- ie people should not be wholly rational or irrational, govts should not be structureless or in full tyranny, etc. I live in harmony with my feelings and desires, but my thoughts and the way I want to live my life also guide my life. However, there is a dark side to me and it's starting to take me over. It hurts SO BAD to think of. I hate it. Whenever it comes over me it's all I can do to just lay down and breathe and try not to throw up. At least this type of pain allows me to think and not have a full blown panic attack... those were NO fun. See, there is this deep, deep part of me that needs the mormon church, that is willing to sacrifice my humanity and, worst of all, does not fight for the humanity of others. It submits to tyrannical rule. I don't even know how to put that urge into words because my belief in the intrinsic value of all humans, that all of us deserve to be free of manipulation and oppression, and that the LDS church utilizes the afore mentioned techniques to keep people in line... those are things I believe in! To speak of them is a joy! But how can there be two halves to me? And why is the other one so deep, so needy? It scares me, it scares me of what it will do to my life. I want it to go away, but I feel empty and lost without that guide. I am working on listening to it (in increments, too much will drive me crazy), challenging myself with rational discussion WHILE I am having those feelings, and channeling those feelings towards things I believe to be good. I hope to good this works out....

I was supposed to put other shit in here and now I don't remember... damn

The past is an interesting thing. I used to live in it to save me from an inconvenient present. I was, at times, unable to let it go because I had been severely wronged. Now, I run from it as fast as I can. I can't run from the past, and I can't divorce who I am from who I was. I can evolve, but we are snakes- we don't shed out skin, it lives deep within us. This reality is both beautiful and terrible. I need to connect with my past- with my cousin danny, with middle school, with my mormon past, with my parents, my house, the hill. All the significant events that shaped me, that are tearing me apart from within, but that are beautiful and moving and needed. I can't live and breathe if the part of me that feels the deepest is ignored.

I'll post an update later, this blogging is therapeutic. I am feeling better, I was able to look at an article about Joseph Smith and memory with some objectivity and finally get my head to realize "Hmmm... evidence says that he made this shit up!"

More I'm-too-old-for-this musings

I just realized that I spelled my site address wrong.  It's finneuphria... without the 'o'.  OOO dear!

Why can't I just be happy for you?  Why is reading about you, hearing every update, your voice- why does make me want to scream?  I never had you- you were the shining beacon, exactly what I wanted to be.   I waited, moving my way up through the crowd.  I had grown so accustomed to being a casual friend, an under-valued (but not in a cruel sense) friend that when I was promoted to a close, nearly best friend I was ecstatic.  There was pain, of course. I could never be to you what you were to me.  You were the prodigal daughter of everyone... we all loved you and you couldn't see it, I wonder if you could.  I see the way people stumble for a way to fit in with you, but they can't.  Beauty like that doesn't exist in ordinary life, we were unsure how to take you.   Comparably, were an ordinary friend to any of us?  No, you were spectacular- a comet racing through the sky that we try to capture in our own private way when, in reality, we never had a piece of it to begin with.  You belonged to yourself and to the world you loved with ethereal passion.  Then you met him and you belonged to an Earthly being for the first time in your short life.  Thankfully, he came as close as any of us to deserving you.  Still, it hurt.  I love him, I love you.  But what I lost still tantalizes me.   I am happy for you , I know you'll live a life many of us only dream about.  

I still miss you.  

Dreaming

I'm a dreamer.  I hold myself and my life to impossible standards and, thus, I get tired and confused.  I feel conflicted and like I'm riding the adolescent roller coaster again... one day I'm on top of the world, the next I'm on the ground wondering how the hell I got up to where I was.  

I'm better than where I was.  My life is good... not the living hell it was before, filled with sickness, grief, depression, and anxiety.  But I know (well, vaguely anyway) what I want out of myself and life, and I'm very far away from that goal.  Basically, this year has shown me that it's okay to dream because I change, and I am (or at least will be) capable of reaching the things I want.  

Still, I'm kinda immune to people encouraging or uplifting me because I know I'm not where they think I am.   I don't have enough life experience or know enough and it kills me.   I feel boring and stupid as anything.... but I'm not gonna focus on that cause where will that get me?  

It's hard as fuck, though, sometimes.  Come on... you're trying to keep in touch with yourself, yet not dwell on the bad and get better.  You're trying to be genuine, yet new and cool and ever-improving.   You're trying to give your all, but still be young and fresh and a person who is not all work.  You're trying to study and learn, yet actually live a life outside school.   You're trying to interact and be with other people, but be okay with being alone, looking in at the crowd.   You're trying to challenge yourself and be chill at the same time.  These are just a few of the billions of things I'm trying to do.   I'm doing them much better than last semester... but so many times I tell myself "You're doing it, you're doing it... just don't look down."  

One thing I know I need to do is to move out.  Don't get me wrong, I love Utah and have learned to appreciate many things about this place.  I have grown here more than I ever have in my life and am truly grateful I moved here.  That being said, it's time to move on.  First of all, I just can't sit in one place for too long.  I'm young with limited responsibility and I feel like my life-clock is ticking and I need to see and live in more places.   

Also, just as I start to warm up to this rigidly-cold state, I start feeling suffocated.   I'm tired of the ignorance, the homogonized culture, the "OMG let's get hitched" shit, the morality police, the right-wing nut jobs, the prejudice..... yeah, all that.  Not to say it's all bad here, but we do have some crazy shit.  

Speaking of feeling suffocated, I just barely started to get in touch with that feeling in myself.  I know, I'm a little late to catch on, but I noticed I was getting really pissy I couldn't figure out why.  Then... I started a-thinking and I figured it out.  Just like my sister's "No I am your biological mother" complexion pisses me off, the oppressive mormon culture here drives me nuts.  I'm going to do what I want and say what I want and think and live as I please.  Fuck you.  Oh, and that's why I've started swearing again.  It feels very liberating.  But yeah, I'm just way too chill to deal with people getting "up in my grill" so to speak.  

I'm hoping that some variety will help with this personal rut I feel stuck in, but I'm not going to waste my time here.  I want to make sure I continue growing and learning in case the outside world doesn't help me out in the way I hope it will.  

I just have to figure out where I want to move and what I want to do.  Internships, study abroads, universities, etc... here I come!

Fucking dammit....

UGH!! You are being really freakin' pissy right now. I don't get it. I don't care how many freakin' signs were pointing in this directions, you have no right to pull this shit.

I guess I get it, though. In my own way, I've gone the whole way with you, in the sense that, physically, there isn't any more ground to cover. We didn't even go on a date, but we kissed and I slept in your bed. That's it, the mystery is broken for you. I don't regret what I did in the least, but maybe if I had held off a bit, things would have been different. But would there have been another chance? I'm glad I had the opportunity to be with you in a romantic (I hate that word) sense, but that doesn't make the aftermath any prettier. Look, I'm not 10, I expected that you would blow me off and/or give me some speech about how I was too nice for you. I didn't go into that night with any expectations, except that it would be a nice, one-time experience. I hoped that we could still be friends, but I was 95% certain there could not continuance of affection, a relationship, anything.

I just don't understand- are you a flake? Are you more into the chase than the real thing? That would surprise me, considering how you've always been down with having a girlfriend. I really don't want to analyze what I did or said wrong because that just upsets me, and makes me act not like myself when I'm around you. I am who I am, and if you expected something or someone different, then unfortunately there is nothing I can do for you.

But seriously... I don't get it. If you want to break this off with me, then fine. I will be totally okay with that, I mean, I'll need some time to recover, but I'll get over it. It's your life and I expected such a result from the beginning. But WTF Mike? What is this bullshit you are pulling? Ditching me, leaving me out to dry? I know where stand, and I'm not stalking you or trying to usurp time you should be spending with your friends or family. When you make plans with me, it's hella shady to blow them off for the first thing that comes along. It's even worse to A. Not even attempt to apologize and then B. Be as rude as possible to me when I try to joke around with you. Come on Mike, grow up. I'm not expecting you to be the man on my arm, I'm asking you act like an adult. If you don't want this, then grow up and tell me. I'm giving you space, I'm letting you do your thing. If you're too much of a coward or an asshole to tell me straight up what you think, then that is your problem, don't take it out on me. I'm still the same person I was three nights okay, who are you? I want to see you before you leave because you are, first and foremost, my friend, and I don't want to waste my time being mad at you. What is the point of that? You'll be gone and I'll have plenty of time to fizz and settle. I just don't know how to tell you all that I'm feeling, since you apparently are really eager to write me off for whatever reason.

I hate this. Fuck you Mike.

This is bullshit

I wanted to start out writing something profound, some thought I had sitting in my brain for a while. Something I had contemplated but couldn't speak; probably some observation about overcoming, a subject my brain is constantly mulling over. Maybe I'm not thinking of political events (well, many times I am), how something works, or even a passion of mine, but I most always am thinking of how social orders, human perseverance, different personalities and intelligences, and life (how to find meaning, what it's really about), almost constantly. Sometimes I wish that everyone who gave me the, "wow, you must be either really dumb or really boring" looks could read my mind and realize that I do think, a LOT, just not about things I could share with you. I mean... it's just too intimate to speak out loud, or it's just irrelevant and only interesting to me. Other times, however, I wonder if everyone is thinking something revolutionary, if this just makes me boring or self absorbed. Still, what if all this thinking is good for nothing but writing self-help books? That would be the ultimate slice of humble pie for me, considering how much I loathe that genre.

Anyway, I'm not writing anything like a self-discovery or a pet peeve or even about a cool experience or epiphany I had. I'm ranting about you. Well, in reality I'm ranting about me, you just happen to represent the current ditch in the road (no offense.... if you were less cool, you wouldn't even be a bump, just smooth pavement).

Where to begin?

I think I'm asexual. Or maybe just shell-shocked when it comes down to it. Well... it's not that I don't have hormones and don't want to uh... further the species on a fairly regular basis, but when it comes to attraction beyond the Provo Push, it's like I can only feel them so far. Maybe my passion is culminated in the chase, and as soon as I see your vulnerability, see how it's going to be, it all slips away. Maybe I'm just picky as hell, but I don't really have a choice over being picky attraction-wise. I would feel horribly hurt if I were reading this about anyone, especially someone I liked, but in reality, everyone who has ever liked me has the advantage. I may hurt you, but if I'm just in it for the chase, I may be stuck forever pining, or forever in the runaround, like the Princes on Into the Woods. You'll move on, and I'll just be running the track.

Maybe this is just another emotion that's been buried under all this pain. Or perhaps I just bury it because it threatens to knock me over. Everyone claims you can't change who you're attracted to, but when your mind is on red alert because everything you've worked to overcome, your very self, is going to be damaged or overthrown, well... your body and mind have their priorities. You can trample over anything or anyone if you are scared enough, if you are about to lose everything.

Some people love falling for someone, the "thrill" of finding someone new, and the shiny new person's ever constant presence in their psyche. Not me. I. Hate. It. After Kyle and Ken, I learned to hate the emptiness, the need for someone else. It made me feel like I couldn't think on my own, that I was not a person without them. If I needed someone so profoundly, and if the fulfilling of that need would not help me out in my quest in life, then that was just depressing. Life could not be that lame. So I learned to keep whomever I wanted out of my head and heart. There were second to my goals, family and friends, passions, school, church... basically everything in my consciousness. I wasn't cruel, I just didn't obsess. I was really, really happy that way.

Then you come along. You, who was the epitome of everything I desired but, because of my stage of progression, I couldn't have. It wasn't just my attraction to you, it was your interest in people, in everything, your intelligence on every imaginable subject, your ability to woo and persuade anyone, even unintentionally. You walk into a room and add the pizzaz and spark that most of us are missing, the break in monotony that we can't recreate. I see how the eyes follow you, how the mood lightens as you fulfill everyone's need to have someone interested in them, how you epitomize the freedom we all desire. I wonder if you notice, but in my selfishness I pray you won't, because if you did... what in the world could I offer you, what do you even need?

I never ever ever ever ever dreamed you could want me, in any way. Now you do, but I'm still scared, still unsatisfied. I watch the news, learn new things, and I know it's partly because of you. Am I trying to impress you? Maybe, but that's only a small part of it. Your love for life, people, and knowledge is something I admire and would like to acquire for myself. In that way, you have inspired me, but in other ways I feel like I am doing this for you. I guess the ultimate test is if I continue this after you're gone.

You have to understand a few things about me. I can get by on my own, I really can. The people I do allow into my "inner circle" worked hard to get there. The inner workings of mind is buried deep, and I like to keep it there. It takes a lot of effort to push all these thoughts to the surface, and I'm not entirely sure I'd like to do that. I want to communicate with you, but so many topics rise up in my throat and die on my tongue, in a sigh. I am so fascinated by you, but when it comes to locating the keys to understanding you better, I have a hard time finding it. I want to communicate with you to make this work, but that involves overcoming a lot for me. I hope you don't shrug me off before then, but either way, this experience will help me out. It'll just hurt like a mother first.

So now it's time to rework everything I think. What if I don't shove you away, what if I embrace you and all the complicated emotions you bring? Maybe all this pain is just a culmination of all the emotions I thought I had demolished. Maybe I wasn't saving myself, I was just burying all this pain, and the buildup has caused every emotion I feel, positive or negative, to be consumed in this muck. All this junk is making me sick to my stomach, and I know it's not healthy for me. It's time to allow myself to feel. Not only is violently shoving everything away toxic to my wellbeing, I can feel it making me boring and bitter. It's time to live. It's okay if you go away, Mike. I can go on. I have always known that, it's never been the problem. The fear is that you will push me away in a humiliating way, that I will lose my faith in my ability to have a relationship with anyone.

Mike, I can do this, I know. I just hope you don't give up before I get all the kinks out. Either way, last night was amazing.