It aint necessarily so...

Isn't it funny how we're all connected? My freshman year of college was full of loneliness, pain, disapointment, and depression. It was also full of new-gained strength and growth, but considering everyone had filled me with false hopes about what my college experience, I felt deserted and inadequate when reality hit. When I finally emerged from my Gollom-like state, I realized that many others had had similar experiences. Pretty much everyone I had known had a miserable first year and felt lonely and cheated. Not that I want everyone to join my misery, but I felt a sense of comradery knowing we were going through the same thing. Now, I am reading posts from lots of different people in my life, generally in my age bracket, and discovering they're going through the hardest times of their life- just like me. Christy, Alisa, Lauren... some of the language they use cuts me to the core because I can almost feel their pain. The difference is that I, with everything in my life, ran from my pain. I ran to the easy, in hope of a solution. I felt in my heart beyond any and all description a pure, yet agonizingly true path, yet I ran the other way. I could not face life in the midst of this terrible reality, it was too cruel, too harsh. It not only tore me apart but the people who had loved me the best. I could not, I would not live that life.

So I ran. I ran away, blocked off the pain, went on with life. Little ripples would open me up (thank heavens for meds, that cognitive dissonance shit is no bueno) and send me hurtling into the agonizing abyss. I lost, I compartmentalized, I clung, I lied, I ignored, I ran one direction then the next. Then came my brother Nathan's wedding. I started crashing, realizing that I could not stay in a relationship with Shelly, and knowing that breaking up with kill both of us. I tried to fight, but the guilt attacks came on hard and relentless. After a week of no sleep and constant guilt, I knew we had to end it.

But that didn't fix everything.

The days leading up to the wedding were awful, and I dreaded the hours I would spend on the Oakland Temple grounds, knowing that weddings and temples were big triggers for me from past experience. I tried to breathe, to calm myself, to mentally prepare by thinking how happy I would be to return to a place I had loved so much growing up, where my parents had been married. But the problem was that I had unresolved emotions, expectations, and questions, and deep down, a part of me knew that this wedding would be hell for me.

(Side note: I didn't want it to be so. My brother Nathan and I have always had a special relationship. He is so dear, so tender, and we have a lot in common. I am closer to him than any of my siblings (okay, so I only have three total, but still). I still relish our close friendship before his mission and try to stay in touch with him now. I am so grateful that he found Teri! It just tickles me pink for him to have found such an amazing person in his life! I want so much for him to be happy, and Teri absolutely adores everything about him and will help him through any struggle! I am so grateful for her in the family!!!)

So I digress. When I arrived at the temple grounds, I was all right at first, exploring again the fountains and beautiful gardens. I marveled at how beautiful these grounds were, remembering my dissapointment at seeing the Mout Timpanogus grounds. Then I heard the music, fell into missing the church and feeling guilty for being "unclean" etc. Then I felt feeling like the church was true... ringing in my head over and over and over again. It was like a knife plunging into my heart with all the memories, truths, and emotions that make you cringe the most. Everything I couldn't deal with came bubbling to the surface, and I had spent an entire week not sleeping and barely surviving. Basically, I was out of ammo, I had no mental reserves to help me deal. I was drowning again. I began thinking, "where will I get married? What will I teach my children? What will happen when I die... and I find out I taught them the wrong thing? Oh, what could be worse than that? Knowing I led them astray? What agony will God unleash on me!" I imagined my family, in their temple garb, turning their backs on me, dissapointment and pity in their faces, as they entered the pearly gates, and I took my cowardly leave in hell. I knew I wasn't strong enough to go back, even though I felt it was true. I tried to rely on the questions and problems that I felt invalidated mormonism, but they fell against the intensity of emotions.



Anyway, finish another time... damn, I meant to talk about now. Not the past. Anyway, love you all. It's been very helpful.

Call out the dogs and let them have a sniff...

I think I am most afraid of loving other people. When you love someone, you are obligated to them, which I am happy to do, but when I filled with love I am also filled with guilt and terror of hurting them. Part of me would much rather live with people I cared about but did not love, while doing good to the people I did love on the side because that way I wouldn't have to live with this pain.

I have allegiance to the good in this world- the free, the love. I don't like looking inside myself... I mean, let me rephrase. For me, the good tends to live within my head constantly. In my heart are the things that hurt, the things I don't supress per se (suppressing things is BAD. It will bite you in the ass, and it will hurt) but I don't base my life around them either. I believe in harmony, you see. I don't think ANY life, structure, person, etc should be based around one thing (well... unless you are a genius or invaluable to a movement in which case... go for it)- ie people should not be wholly rational or irrational, govts should not be structureless or in full tyranny, etc. I live in harmony with my feelings and desires, but my thoughts and the way I want to live my life also guide my life. However, there is a dark side to me and it's starting to take me over. It hurts SO BAD to think of. I hate it. Whenever it comes over me it's all I can do to just lay down and breathe and try not to throw up. At least this type of pain allows me to think and not have a full blown panic attack... those were NO fun. See, there is this deep, deep part of me that needs the mormon church, that is willing to sacrifice my humanity and, worst of all, does not fight for the humanity of others. It submits to tyrannical rule. I don't even know how to put that urge into words because my belief in the intrinsic value of all humans, that all of us deserve to be free of manipulation and oppression, and that the LDS church utilizes the afore mentioned techniques to keep people in line... those are things I believe in! To speak of them is a joy! But how can there be two halves to me? And why is the other one so deep, so needy? It scares me, it scares me of what it will do to my life. I want it to go away, but I feel empty and lost without that guide. I am working on listening to it (in increments, too much will drive me crazy), challenging myself with rational discussion WHILE I am having those feelings, and channeling those feelings towards things I believe to be good. I hope to good this works out....

I was supposed to put other shit in here and now I don't remember... damn

The past is an interesting thing. I used to live in it to save me from an inconvenient present. I was, at times, unable to let it go because I had been severely wronged. Now, I run from it as fast as I can. I can't run from the past, and I can't divorce who I am from who I was. I can evolve, but we are snakes- we don't shed out skin, it lives deep within us. This reality is both beautiful and terrible. I need to connect with my past- with my cousin danny, with middle school, with my mormon past, with my parents, my house, the hill. All the significant events that shaped me, that are tearing me apart from within, but that are beautiful and moving and needed. I can't live and breathe if the part of me that feels the deepest is ignored.

I'll post an update later, this blogging is therapeutic. I am feeling better, I was able to look at an article about Joseph Smith and memory with some objectivity and finally get my head to realize "Hmmm... evidence says that he made this shit up!"