UGH!! You are being really freakin' pissy right now. I don't get it. I don't care how many freakin' signs were pointing in this directions, you have no right to pull this shit.
I guess I get it, though. In my own way, I've gone the whole way with you, in the sense that, physically, there isn't any more ground to cover. We didn't even go on a date, but we kissed and I slept in your bed. That's it, the mystery is broken for you. I don't regret what I did in the least, but maybe if I had held off a bit, things would have been different. But would there have been another chance? I'm glad I had the opportunity to be with you in a romantic (I hate that word) sense, but that doesn't make the aftermath any prettier. Look, I'm not 10, I expected that you would blow me off and/or give me some speech about how I was too nice for you. I didn't go into that night with any expectations, except that it would be a nice, one-time experience. I hoped that we could still be friends, but I was 95% certain there could not continuance of affection, a relationship, anything.
I just don't understand- are you a flake? Are you more into the chase than the real thing? That would surprise me, considering how you've always been down with having a girlfriend. I really don't want to analyze what I did or said wrong because that just upsets me, and makes me act not like myself when I'm around you. I am who I am, and if you expected something or someone different, then unfortunately there is nothing I can do for you.
But seriously... I don't get it. If you want to break this off with me, then fine. I will be totally okay with that, I mean, I'll need some time to recover, but I'll get over it. It's your life and I expected such a result from the beginning. But WTF Mike? What is this bullshit you are pulling? Ditching me, leaving me out to dry? I know where stand, and I'm not stalking you or trying to usurp time you should be spending with your friends or family. When you make plans with me, it's hella shady to blow them off for the first thing that comes along. It's even worse to A. Not even attempt to apologize and then B. Be as rude as possible to me when I try to joke around with you. Come on Mike, grow up. I'm not expecting you to be the man on my arm, I'm asking you act like an adult. If you don't want this, then grow up and tell me. I'm giving you space, I'm letting you do your thing. If you're too much of a coward or an asshole to tell me straight up what you think, then that is your problem, don't take it out on me. I'm still the same person I was three nights okay, who are you? I want to see you before you leave because you are, first and foremost, my friend, and I don't want to waste my time being mad at you. What is the point of that? You'll be gone and I'll have plenty of time to fizz and settle. I just don't know how to tell you all that I'm feeling, since you apparently are really eager to write me off for whatever reason.
I hate this. Fuck you Mike.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
This is bullshit
I wanted to start out writing something profound, some thought I had sitting in my brain for a while. Something I had contemplated but couldn't speak; probably some observation about overcoming, a subject my brain is constantly mulling over. Maybe I'm not thinking of political events (well, many times I am), how something works, or even a passion of mine, but I most always am thinking of how social orders, human perseverance, different personalities and intelligences, and life (how to find meaning, what it's really about), almost constantly. Sometimes I wish that everyone who gave me the, "wow, you must be either really dumb or really boring" looks could read my mind and realize that I do think, a LOT, just not about things I could share with you. I mean... it's just too intimate to speak out loud, or it's just irrelevant and only interesting to me. Other times, however, I wonder if everyone is thinking something revolutionary, if this just makes me boring or self absorbed. Still, what if all this thinking is good for nothing but writing self-help books? That would be the ultimate slice of humble pie for me, considering how much I loathe that genre.
Anyway, I'm not writing anything like a self-discovery or a pet peeve or even about a cool experience or epiphany I had. I'm ranting about you. Well, in reality I'm ranting about me, you just happen to represent the current ditch in the road (no offense.... if you were less cool, you wouldn't even be a bump, just smooth pavement).
Where to begin?
I think I'm asexual. Or maybe just shell-shocked when it comes down to it. Well... it's not that I don't have hormones and don't want to uh... further the species on a fairly regular basis, but when it comes to attraction beyond the Provo Push, it's like I can only feel them so far. Maybe my passion is culminated in the chase, and as soon as I see your vulnerability, see how it's going to be, it all slips away. Maybe I'm just picky as hell, but I don't really have a choice over being picky attraction-wise. I would feel horribly hurt if I were reading this about anyone, especially someone I liked, but in reality, everyone who has ever liked me has the advantage. I may hurt you, but if I'm just in it for the chase, I may be stuck forever pining, or forever in the runaround, like the Princes on Into the Woods. You'll move on, and I'll just be running the track.
Maybe this is just another emotion that's been buried under all this pain. Or perhaps I just bury it because it threatens to knock me over. Everyone claims you can't change who you're attracted to, but when your mind is on red alert because everything you've worked to overcome, your very self, is going to be damaged or overthrown, well... your body and mind have their priorities. You can trample over anything or anyone if you are scared enough, if you are about to lose everything.
Some people love falling for someone, the "thrill" of finding someone new, and the shiny new person's ever constant presence in their psyche. Not me. I. Hate. It. After Kyle and Ken, I learned to hate the emptiness, the need for someone else. It made me feel like I couldn't think on my own, that I was not a person without them. If I needed someone so profoundly, and if the fulfilling of that need would not help me out in my quest in life, then that was just depressing. Life could not be that lame. So I learned to keep whomever I wanted out of my head and heart. There were second to my goals, family and friends, passions, school, church... basically everything in my consciousness. I wasn't cruel, I just didn't obsess. I was really, really happy that way.
Then you come along. You, who was the epitome of everything I desired but, because of my stage of progression, I couldn't have. It wasn't just my attraction to you, it was your interest in people, in everything, your intelligence on every imaginable subject, your ability to woo and persuade anyone, even unintentionally. You walk into a room and add the pizzaz and spark that most of us are missing, the break in monotony that we can't recreate. I see how the eyes follow you, how the mood lightens as you fulfill everyone's need to have someone interested in them, how you epitomize the freedom we all desire. I wonder if you notice, but in my selfishness I pray you won't, because if you did... what in the world could I offer you, what do you even need?
I never ever ever ever ever dreamed you could want me, in any way. Now you do, but I'm still scared, still unsatisfied. I watch the news, learn new things, and I know it's partly because of you. Am I trying to impress you? Maybe, but that's only a small part of it. Your love for life, people, and knowledge is something I admire and would like to acquire for myself. In that way, you have inspired me, but in other ways I feel like I am doing this for you. I guess the ultimate test is if I continue this after you're gone.
You have to understand a few things about me. I can get by on my own, I really can. The people I do allow into my "inner circle" worked hard to get there. The inner workings of mind is buried deep, and I like to keep it there. It takes a lot of effort to push all these thoughts to the surface, and I'm not entirely sure I'd like to do that. I want to communicate with you, but so many topics rise up in my throat and die on my tongue, in a sigh. I am so fascinated by you, but when it comes to locating the keys to understanding you better, I have a hard time finding it. I want to communicate with you to make this work, but that involves overcoming a lot for me. I hope you don't shrug me off before then, but either way, this experience will help me out. It'll just hurt like a mother first.
So now it's time to rework everything I think. What if I don't shove you away, what if I embrace you and all the complicated emotions you bring? Maybe all this pain is just a culmination of all the emotions I thought I had demolished. Maybe I wasn't saving myself, I was just burying all this pain, and the buildup has caused every emotion I feel, positive or negative, to be consumed in this muck. All this junk is making me sick to my stomach, and I know it's not healthy for me. It's time to allow myself to feel. Not only is violently shoving everything away toxic to my wellbeing, I can feel it making me boring and bitter. It's time to live. It's okay if you go away, Mike. I can go on. I have always known that, it's never been the problem. The fear is that you will push me away in a humiliating way, that I will lose my faith in my ability to have a relationship with anyone.
Mike, I can do this, I know. I just hope you don't give up before I get all the kinks out. Either way, last night was amazing.
Anyway, I'm not writing anything like a self-discovery or a pet peeve or even about a cool experience or epiphany I had. I'm ranting about you. Well, in reality I'm ranting about me, you just happen to represent the current ditch in the road (no offense.... if you were less cool, you wouldn't even be a bump, just smooth pavement).
Where to begin?
I think I'm asexual. Or maybe just shell-shocked when it comes down to it. Well... it's not that I don't have hormones and don't want to uh... further the species on a fairly regular basis, but when it comes to attraction beyond the Provo Push, it's like I can only feel them so far. Maybe my passion is culminated in the chase, and as soon as I see your vulnerability, see how it's going to be, it all slips away. Maybe I'm just picky as hell, but I don't really have a choice over being picky attraction-wise. I would feel horribly hurt if I were reading this about anyone, especially someone I liked, but in reality, everyone who has ever liked me has the advantage. I may hurt you, but if I'm just in it for the chase, I may be stuck forever pining, or forever in the runaround, like the Princes on Into the Woods. You'll move on, and I'll just be running the track.
Maybe this is just another emotion that's been buried under all this pain. Or perhaps I just bury it because it threatens to knock me over. Everyone claims you can't change who you're attracted to, but when your mind is on red alert because everything you've worked to overcome, your very self, is going to be damaged or overthrown, well... your body and mind have their priorities. You can trample over anything or anyone if you are scared enough, if you are about to lose everything.
Some people love falling for someone, the "thrill" of finding someone new, and the shiny new person's ever constant presence in their psyche. Not me. I. Hate. It. After Kyle and Ken, I learned to hate the emptiness, the need for someone else. It made me feel like I couldn't think on my own, that I was not a person without them. If I needed someone so profoundly, and if the fulfilling of that need would not help me out in my quest in life, then that was just depressing. Life could not be that lame. So I learned to keep whomever I wanted out of my head and heart. There were second to my goals, family and friends, passions, school, church... basically everything in my consciousness. I wasn't cruel, I just didn't obsess. I was really, really happy that way.
Then you come along. You, who was the epitome of everything I desired but, because of my stage of progression, I couldn't have. It wasn't just my attraction to you, it was your interest in people, in everything, your intelligence on every imaginable subject, your ability to woo and persuade anyone, even unintentionally. You walk into a room and add the pizzaz and spark that most of us are missing, the break in monotony that we can't recreate. I see how the eyes follow you, how the mood lightens as you fulfill everyone's need to have someone interested in them, how you epitomize the freedom we all desire. I wonder if you notice, but in my selfishness I pray you won't, because if you did... what in the world could I offer you, what do you even need?
I never ever ever ever ever dreamed you could want me, in any way. Now you do, but I'm still scared, still unsatisfied. I watch the news, learn new things, and I know it's partly because of you. Am I trying to impress you? Maybe, but that's only a small part of it. Your love for life, people, and knowledge is something I admire and would like to acquire for myself. In that way, you have inspired me, but in other ways I feel like I am doing this for you. I guess the ultimate test is if I continue this after you're gone.
You have to understand a few things about me. I can get by on my own, I really can. The people I do allow into my "inner circle" worked hard to get there. The inner workings of mind is buried deep, and I like to keep it there. It takes a lot of effort to push all these thoughts to the surface, and I'm not entirely sure I'd like to do that. I want to communicate with you, but so many topics rise up in my throat and die on my tongue, in a sigh. I am so fascinated by you, but when it comes to locating the keys to understanding you better, I have a hard time finding it. I want to communicate with you to make this work, but that involves overcoming a lot for me. I hope you don't shrug me off before then, but either way, this experience will help me out. It'll just hurt like a mother first.
So now it's time to rework everything I think. What if I don't shove you away, what if I embrace you and all the complicated emotions you bring? Maybe all this pain is just a culmination of all the emotions I thought I had demolished. Maybe I wasn't saving myself, I was just burying all this pain, and the buildup has caused every emotion I feel, positive or negative, to be consumed in this muck. All this junk is making me sick to my stomach, and I know it's not healthy for me. It's time to allow myself to feel. Not only is violently shoving everything away toxic to my wellbeing, I can feel it making me boring and bitter. It's time to live. It's okay if you go away, Mike. I can go on. I have always known that, it's never been the problem. The fear is that you will push me away in a humiliating way, that I will lose my faith in my ability to have a relationship with anyone.
Mike, I can do this, I know. I just hope you don't give up before I get all the kinks out. Either way, last night was amazing.
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