Call out the dogs and let them have a sniff...

I think I am most afraid of loving other people. When you love someone, you are obligated to them, which I am happy to do, but when I filled with love I am also filled with guilt and terror of hurting them. Part of me would much rather live with people I cared about but did not love, while doing good to the people I did love on the side because that way I wouldn't have to live with this pain.

I have allegiance to the good in this world- the free, the love. I don't like looking inside myself... I mean, let me rephrase. For me, the good tends to live within my head constantly. In my heart are the things that hurt, the things I don't supress per se (suppressing things is BAD. It will bite you in the ass, and it will hurt) but I don't base my life around them either. I believe in harmony, you see. I don't think ANY life, structure, person, etc should be based around one thing (well... unless you are a genius or invaluable to a movement in which case... go for it)- ie people should not be wholly rational or irrational, govts should not be structureless or in full tyranny, etc. I live in harmony with my feelings and desires, but my thoughts and the way I want to live my life also guide my life. However, there is a dark side to me and it's starting to take me over. It hurts SO BAD to think of. I hate it. Whenever it comes over me it's all I can do to just lay down and breathe and try not to throw up. At least this type of pain allows me to think and not have a full blown panic attack... those were NO fun. See, there is this deep, deep part of me that needs the mormon church, that is willing to sacrifice my humanity and, worst of all, does not fight for the humanity of others. It submits to tyrannical rule. I don't even know how to put that urge into words because my belief in the intrinsic value of all humans, that all of us deserve to be free of manipulation and oppression, and that the LDS church utilizes the afore mentioned techniques to keep people in line... those are things I believe in! To speak of them is a joy! But how can there be two halves to me? And why is the other one so deep, so needy? It scares me, it scares me of what it will do to my life. I want it to go away, but I feel empty and lost without that guide. I am working on listening to it (in increments, too much will drive me crazy), challenging myself with rational discussion WHILE I am having those feelings, and channeling those feelings towards things I believe to be good. I hope to good this works out....

I was supposed to put other shit in here and now I don't remember... damn

The past is an interesting thing. I used to live in it to save me from an inconvenient present. I was, at times, unable to let it go because I had been severely wronged. Now, I run from it as fast as I can. I can't run from the past, and I can't divorce who I am from who I was. I can evolve, but we are snakes- we don't shed out skin, it lives deep within us. This reality is both beautiful and terrible. I need to connect with my past- with my cousin danny, with middle school, with my mormon past, with my parents, my house, the hill. All the significant events that shaped me, that are tearing me apart from within, but that are beautiful and moving and needed. I can't live and breathe if the part of me that feels the deepest is ignored.

I'll post an update later, this blogging is therapeutic. I am feeling better, I was able to look at an article about Joseph Smith and memory with some objectivity and finally get my head to realize "Hmmm... evidence says that he made this shit up!"