More I'm-too-old-for-this musings

I just realized that I spelled my site address wrong.  It's finneuphria... without the 'o'.  OOO dear!

Why can't I just be happy for you?  Why is reading about you, hearing every update, your voice- why does make me want to scream?  I never had you- you were the shining beacon, exactly what I wanted to be.   I waited, moving my way up through the crowd.  I had grown so accustomed to being a casual friend, an under-valued (but not in a cruel sense) friend that when I was promoted to a close, nearly best friend I was ecstatic.  There was pain, of course. I could never be to you what you were to me.  You were the prodigal daughter of everyone... we all loved you and you couldn't see it, I wonder if you could.  I see the way people stumble for a way to fit in with you, but they can't.  Beauty like that doesn't exist in ordinary life, we were unsure how to take you.   Comparably, were an ordinary friend to any of us?  No, you were spectacular- a comet racing through the sky that we try to capture in our own private way when, in reality, we never had a piece of it to begin with.  You belonged to yourself and to the world you loved with ethereal passion.  Then you met him and you belonged to an Earthly being for the first time in your short life.  Thankfully, he came as close as any of us to deserving you.  Still, it hurt.  I love him, I love you.  But what I lost still tantalizes me.   I am happy for you , I know you'll live a life many of us only dream about.  

I still miss you.  

Dreaming

I'm a dreamer.  I hold myself and my life to impossible standards and, thus, I get tired and confused.  I feel conflicted and like I'm riding the adolescent roller coaster again... one day I'm on top of the world, the next I'm on the ground wondering how the hell I got up to where I was.  

I'm better than where I was.  My life is good... not the living hell it was before, filled with sickness, grief, depression, and anxiety.  But I know (well, vaguely anyway) what I want out of myself and life, and I'm very far away from that goal.  Basically, this year has shown me that it's okay to dream because I change, and I am (or at least will be) capable of reaching the things I want.  

Still, I'm kinda immune to people encouraging or uplifting me because I know I'm not where they think I am.   I don't have enough life experience or know enough and it kills me.   I feel boring and stupid as anything.... but I'm not gonna focus on that cause where will that get me?  

It's hard as fuck, though, sometimes.  Come on... you're trying to keep in touch with yourself, yet not dwell on the bad and get better.  You're trying to be genuine, yet new and cool and ever-improving.   You're trying to give your all, but still be young and fresh and a person who is not all work.  You're trying to study and learn, yet actually live a life outside school.   You're trying to interact and be with other people, but be okay with being alone, looking in at the crowd.   You're trying to challenge yourself and be chill at the same time.  These are just a few of the billions of things I'm trying to do.   I'm doing them much better than last semester... but so many times I tell myself "You're doing it, you're doing it... just don't look down."  

One thing I know I need to do is to move out.  Don't get me wrong, I love Utah and have learned to appreciate many things about this place.  I have grown here more than I ever have in my life and am truly grateful I moved here.  That being said, it's time to move on.  First of all, I just can't sit in one place for too long.  I'm young with limited responsibility and I feel like my life-clock is ticking and I need to see and live in more places.   

Also, just as I start to warm up to this rigidly-cold state, I start feeling suffocated.   I'm tired of the ignorance, the homogonized culture, the "OMG let's get hitched" shit, the morality police, the right-wing nut jobs, the prejudice..... yeah, all that.  Not to say it's all bad here, but we do have some crazy shit.  

Speaking of feeling suffocated, I just barely started to get in touch with that feeling in myself.  I know, I'm a little late to catch on, but I noticed I was getting really pissy I couldn't figure out why.  Then... I started a-thinking and I figured it out.  Just like my sister's "No I am your biological mother" complexion pisses me off, the oppressive mormon culture here drives me nuts.  I'm going to do what I want and say what I want and think and live as I please.  Fuck you.  Oh, and that's why I've started swearing again.  It feels very liberating.  But yeah, I'm just way too chill to deal with people getting "up in my grill" so to speak.  

I'm hoping that some variety will help with this personal rut I feel stuck in, but I'm not going to waste my time here.  I want to make sure I continue growing and learning in case the outside world doesn't help me out in the way I hope it will.  

I just have to figure out where I want to move and what I want to do.  Internships, study abroads, universities, etc... here I come!