This is bullshit

I wanted to start out writing something profound, some thought I had sitting in my brain for a while. Something I had contemplated but couldn't speak; probably some observation about overcoming, a subject my brain is constantly mulling over. Maybe I'm not thinking of political events (well, many times I am), how something works, or even a passion of mine, but I most always am thinking of how social orders, human perseverance, different personalities and intelligences, and life (how to find meaning, what it's really about), almost constantly. Sometimes I wish that everyone who gave me the, "wow, you must be either really dumb or really boring" looks could read my mind and realize that I do think, a LOT, just not about things I could share with you. I mean... it's just too intimate to speak out loud, or it's just irrelevant and only interesting to me. Other times, however, I wonder if everyone is thinking something revolutionary, if this just makes me boring or self absorbed. Still, what if all this thinking is good for nothing but writing self-help books? That would be the ultimate slice of humble pie for me, considering how much I loathe that genre.

Anyway, I'm not writing anything like a self-discovery or a pet peeve or even about a cool experience or epiphany I had. I'm ranting about you. Well, in reality I'm ranting about me, you just happen to represent the current ditch in the road (no offense.... if you were less cool, you wouldn't even be a bump, just smooth pavement).

Where to begin?

I think I'm asexual. Or maybe just shell-shocked when it comes down to it. Well... it's not that I don't have hormones and don't want to uh... further the species on a fairly regular basis, but when it comes to attraction beyond the Provo Push, it's like I can only feel them so far. Maybe my passion is culminated in the chase, and as soon as I see your vulnerability, see how it's going to be, it all slips away. Maybe I'm just picky as hell, but I don't really have a choice over being picky attraction-wise. I would feel horribly hurt if I were reading this about anyone, especially someone I liked, but in reality, everyone who has ever liked me has the advantage. I may hurt you, but if I'm just in it for the chase, I may be stuck forever pining, or forever in the runaround, like the Princes on Into the Woods. You'll move on, and I'll just be running the track.

Maybe this is just another emotion that's been buried under all this pain. Or perhaps I just bury it because it threatens to knock me over. Everyone claims you can't change who you're attracted to, but when your mind is on red alert because everything you've worked to overcome, your very self, is going to be damaged or overthrown, well... your body and mind have their priorities. You can trample over anything or anyone if you are scared enough, if you are about to lose everything.

Some people love falling for someone, the "thrill" of finding someone new, and the shiny new person's ever constant presence in their psyche. Not me. I. Hate. It. After Kyle and Ken, I learned to hate the emptiness, the need for someone else. It made me feel like I couldn't think on my own, that I was not a person without them. If I needed someone so profoundly, and if the fulfilling of that need would not help me out in my quest in life, then that was just depressing. Life could not be that lame. So I learned to keep whomever I wanted out of my head and heart. There were second to my goals, family and friends, passions, school, church... basically everything in my consciousness. I wasn't cruel, I just didn't obsess. I was really, really happy that way.

Then you come along. You, who was the epitome of everything I desired but, because of my stage of progression, I couldn't have. It wasn't just my attraction to you, it was your interest in people, in everything, your intelligence on every imaginable subject, your ability to woo and persuade anyone, even unintentionally. You walk into a room and add the pizzaz and spark that most of us are missing, the break in monotony that we can't recreate. I see how the eyes follow you, how the mood lightens as you fulfill everyone's need to have someone interested in them, how you epitomize the freedom we all desire. I wonder if you notice, but in my selfishness I pray you won't, because if you did... what in the world could I offer you, what do you even need?

I never ever ever ever ever dreamed you could want me, in any way. Now you do, but I'm still scared, still unsatisfied. I watch the news, learn new things, and I know it's partly because of you. Am I trying to impress you? Maybe, but that's only a small part of it. Your love for life, people, and knowledge is something I admire and would like to acquire for myself. In that way, you have inspired me, but in other ways I feel like I am doing this for you. I guess the ultimate test is if I continue this after you're gone.

You have to understand a few things about me. I can get by on my own, I really can. The people I do allow into my "inner circle" worked hard to get there. The inner workings of mind is buried deep, and I like to keep it there. It takes a lot of effort to push all these thoughts to the surface, and I'm not entirely sure I'd like to do that. I want to communicate with you, but so many topics rise up in my throat and die on my tongue, in a sigh. I am so fascinated by you, but when it comes to locating the keys to understanding you better, I have a hard time finding it. I want to communicate with you to make this work, but that involves overcoming a lot for me. I hope you don't shrug me off before then, but either way, this experience will help me out. It'll just hurt like a mother first.

So now it's time to rework everything I think. What if I don't shove you away, what if I embrace you and all the complicated emotions you bring? Maybe all this pain is just a culmination of all the emotions I thought I had demolished. Maybe I wasn't saving myself, I was just burying all this pain, and the buildup has caused every emotion I feel, positive or negative, to be consumed in this muck. All this junk is making me sick to my stomach, and I know it's not healthy for me. It's time to allow myself to feel. Not only is violently shoving everything away toxic to my wellbeing, I can feel it making me boring and bitter. It's time to live. It's okay if you go away, Mike. I can go on. I have always known that, it's never been the problem. The fear is that you will push me away in a humiliating way, that I will lose my faith in my ability to have a relationship with anyone.

Mike, I can do this, I know. I just hope you don't give up before I get all the kinks out. Either way, last night was amazing.